Just F*cking Be, Idiot.

It's been an interesting few months. I started a new job, one I really like thus far, particularly because of the kind and fun-loving souls I work with, and the company I represent. I'm paid vastly more than anything I was able to earn in the past 5.5 years teaching Yoga. I have health care. I have benefits, people.

Why am I still plagued by incessant doubt? Why does my psyche love dissatisfaction? Why does it constantly crave something else? NO(thing) specific, just something ELSE. Why? It is a fundamental part of my encoding that I must grapple with my decisions, question myself unyieldingly, and never stop feeling like I'm somehow failing myself and others on a regular basis.

I'm still teaching, which was very important to me. So I still get to work out this shit with my students, leveling with them as I attempt to soothe them into stillness. But I'm still grappling with constant contradictions in my mind. I want more quiet. I want more privacy. I want more simplicity. I want more structure. More consistency. More security. And on the other hand I want more friends. More students. More readers. More unique opportunities. More travel. More validation.

Why I can't have both in this new world is beyond me.

But I can't help but feel I'm giving up something and I keep fearing that I'm giving up on myself. But why? A beautiful opportunity knocks on my door, one that hundreds of people have vied for and so many would accept without question, and I'm so excited and grateful in one breath, but unsure on the other. Sure, every decision has an opportunity cost. Basic economics taught us that. What's funny and ironic is I got exactly what I felt I needed and wanted and yet now I'm concerned by exactly that.

As a teenager I wanted to host my own TV show, like Oprah or Rosie or Ellen or some other awesome lesbian we all love. But I entered college and began studying Radio/Television and hated it. I thought, 'I can't possibly waste years, possibly decades of my life to only possibly be the girl standing in the middle of a hurricane, wishing I was spouting nonsense and giving away free shit to an audience full of moms and aunts."

And I still have this strange, gnawing desire. I know my personality is unique and I know my voice is strong. I've grown into a much softer, more self aware, brutally honest albeit somewhat eloquent adult. I want to share what I love with others. Why can't I share my strengths with my community without needing notoriety and attention to follow? Why can't I feel successful in having a great job with a fantastic company while still being a loving and devoted teacher?

Is it LA? Nope, it's me. There are so many aspects of the Yoga "industry" that I do not resonate with, so it doesn't even make sense for me to pursue big mainstream success via that avenue anyway. And Yoga is what grounds me. It should not serve as my "platform" which will only serve my ego. I am so proud of how Yoga has educated me, of the people it's connected me to, and of how my body has transformed because of it. That's all it needs to be. Period.

I'm airing this shit out here because I've had writer's block for months. I want to write but can't. I make excuses because of time. Because of exhaustion. Because of priorities. But truthfully I'm scared to expose my true, honest, raw self, the beautiful and the ugly. This may surprise many given the subject matter of many of my posts, given my hyper self-deprecating nature and my affinity for discontent. But nonetheless I feel compelled to express this because I know releasing it will help diminish its power within me. And it will help restore the power where it belongs, inside my heart.

And I need that genuine power right now. I want to keep kicking ass at my new job and keep caring for my students through Yoga. I still have eons to go, to move, to grow, so much to learn, innumerable ways to expand. And somehow I keep forgetting I'm twenty fucking nine! Not 80. Not dying, thankfully. Not diseased. Not so advanced in age that I should have it ALL figured out. But even since my youth I've placed the unfair expectation on myself that I should. I am beyond fucking blessed, in every way imaginable. Loving and supportive family. Superb friends. Delicious and wise husband. The cutest animals. A warm home. Healthy food. Clean water.

I need to just shut the fuck up. Nut up. Do my best. Be grateful for the insurmountable good I've received and ride the wave of life. It's been a beautifully unpredictable journey so far. Why not see where this new direction takes me? I need to cultivate a deeper inside rather than a more colorful outside. I've experienced so much, achieved a fare amount of good, traveled a ton, been broken hearted, insanely in love, and so much in between.

Santosha is my practice, I Am is my mantra. I shall accept myself fully, remind myself of all I am beyond my descriptions, definitions, accolades and characteristics. I've yet to fully succumb to the lessons bestowed through practice and truly practice what I teach. So my practice moving forward is to do just that. Be. Here. Now. Accept all I am and all I am not. Open to all that is yet to arrive without a need to predict or assume.

Transitions always lead to questions and confusion and uncertainty and worry. And perspective always arrives in unforeseen ways and in unexpected packages. I need to just fucking be. Just fucking be, idiot. Just be.

Living with the Poison of Self Doubt

Not sure if it’s the expectations placed on us as children, experiences with failure and embarrassment, an aspect of a guilty conscience or some combination of all three, but I have been plagued by self-doubt my entire life. It is slowly diminishing, coming to crawl, it seeps into my soul slowly now so I can see it no matter what its disguise. Nonetheless, it’s still there. Still gnawing at me like a petulant fly, an annoying little asshole hedging its bets on my disappointment. I sound either schizophrenic or like a sufferer of D.I.D. (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder), but I know I’m not alone in what-ifing so many of my decisions and pursuits. It’s a difficult cycle to break but not impossible, and certainly worth it.

We learn in psychology, and in the game of life, that as children we’re given mental and physical tasks and then our intelligence and skill level is gauged based on that. Loving school and homework and baseball and other sports made it easy for me to slip comfortably to the top of mediocrity. I’m not trying to diminish my small accomplishments as a child, but seriously, I earned straight A’s at a public school in Florida. I recognize now I merely climbed to the top of a hill; I didn’t conquer a damn mountain. What hindsight and years dedicated to false forms of happiness has led to is that it doesn’t matter anyway. The most interesting and genuinely intelligent people I know were smart enough to be bored in traditional schools, not consumed by winning a meaningless game against themselves. I’ve let go of that now. Naturally, when you’re interested in something, when it sparks your passion and drive, you will excel because you want to and because you’re following your intuition, your heart, your bliss, and not the dreams of anyone else.

There’s a reason I went through most of my life with a pervasive, underlying blah in my feelings toward myself and life. I was desperate to showcase greatness, exhibit my mental and physical prowess. My goodness was lost and my heart was muted. I wasn’t equipped then to pull myself out of it, to pursue genuine passions over simply following strengths, or to know why this gnawing in my gut was there in the first place. Something in me must have known that all this contrived happiness and achievement were just that, contrived, phony, bullshit, nothing. That’s not to say I’m not impressed by my friends who’ve shown great perseverance and success in their respective fields, whether it be graduating medical or law school, actually climbing a mountain, playing their sport at an elite level or showcasing their art for the world to see. I am just aware now how little love I put into what I did. I did it because exhibiting excellence gave me bursts of confidence. Bursts being the operative word, soon that good report card passed and it was onto the next.

So, with the exception of boys, close friends, eating, family and an interest in winning (thanks for ruining that word, Charlie Sheen. Or thanks for making it awesome again? who cares.) I had little passion or I suppose I felt a lack of satisfaction in how I spent my days, where I devoted my energy. I would’ve loved to consider myself an artist but again, adults love to label children, and once I put brush to canvas and realized what an appallingly bad drawer and painter I was, I assumed all art was lost on me. I was an athlete, a student-athlete, the greatest oxy-moron there is. Sports taught me how to lose but it didn’t help me conquer my fear of failure. I remember going through slumps, in pitching or hitting or any activity surrounding a ball, and the fear would consume me. I’d want to quit. Luckily my parents taught me to stick things out. Despite continuing, I’d still grapple with the doubt, question everything from my capabilities to my reasons for playing.

This nagging “what are you doing and why” stayed with me until a minute ago when I decided to drop it forever. Up until then, it parlayed from sports into academics and ultimately my career. Since I was a teenager I wanted to host my own show. I feel slightly embarrassed to even admit that, but that’s just my self-criticism getting the best of me. My initial major in college was Radio/Television because that seemed a practical path to my silly dream. I was bored to tears in the short list of classes I took, soon opting to pursue the study of Psychology instead. There’s one for an overly analytical person to dive into: analysis! I know my changing majors was partially due to my lack of interest but also majorly caused by self-doubt. I saw all those hot people ready to throw themselves in front of hurricane and I questioned my commitment, my abilities, my attractiveness. I was still very attached and very consumed by my opinions, my cynicism and the years of descriptors that were placed on me from birth.

I toiled with pursuing grad school, law school, and a number of careers I deemed impressive enough to suit me, but none of them inspired me. Something in me despised mediocrity and traditional measures of success and then something else relegated me to that same normality I rejected. Rock in a hard place. Afraid to move forward, glued by fear and doubt in my place, but yearning desperately to expect more out of myself and life. I needed to let go of all previous expectations I placed on myself and any imagined standards set by others and just listen to my damn heart.

I felt so proud to be logical, pragmatic, fact based, detail oriented, organized and disciplined. I had no clue I was using these tools incorrectly and neglecting a huge fraction of existence by limiting myself to those strengths. Where in there can I find space for creativity? For originality? For wonder? For joy? For Love? For fun? Why couldn’t I just expect to be happy and nothing else? I was in a perpetual state of competition with myself. The experience of loss or failure not only validated the doubtful tapes I’d been playing in my mind but left me with little inspiration to try again or god forbid attempt something new.

Luckily, I’ve always been self-aware, introspective. I’d lie awake with my thoughts, frustrated with myself, asking for guidance, answers. It was Yoga and the pursuit of teaching that not only held up a mirror that made me grasp the damage I was inflicting upon myself, but that also provided insight in how to get over myself and start living a real life. The most fundamental lesson Yoga has taught me is to dis-identify from my thoughts. It’s not only about giving my brain a break from the incessant churning and volume of my inner monologue, but severing the tie between me and my mind. Again, I sound a little nutty, but if you give yourself this gift, you’ll understand. And you'll also realize how unoriginal and entirely plagiarized this idea is. The very idea of yoga, in fact.

We are all able to watch our thoughts and simply bringing awareness to this, turning on that lightbulb that says “hey, dummy. you are not your thoughts. you are the observing presence behind them.” Slowly, I’ve become detached. I laugh at my weird little mind now but I do not take my thoughts seriously. Anything I do well comes from something much smarter than my memories or my conditioned mental patterns. It comes from being fully attuned to this moment, from following my intuition and my heart, and from being open to all that flows my way.

Doubt implies a lack of trust. Doubt tells me I cannot handle the consequences of my actions, in particular if they are not rewarding. Doubt tells me I am undeserving of joy, happiness, love and success. Doubt is healthy when absorbing new information or following a gut instinct, but the doubt that lives and grows inside our psyche serves only one purpose: to keep us from living.

I will never be good at everything. Many will not like or love me. And regardless how I allow that to play into my life, that will always be the case. So what the fuck does it matter? The beauty in life is seizing it, being unafraid to enjoy it, and loving what you do over fixating on results. Paying my bills is not satisfaction enough. I need that fire in my belly and the drum of my heart to keep me on the right path, to keep creating, to stay original, to keep evolving, to be grateful to be alive each day. Letting go of the importance placed on my opinions opened me to new experiences, new people, new career paths, new lessons. I now feel I’m sincerely hosting my own show instead of sitting idly by in the audience, wishing so badly to run on stage. My dream is continuing to progress each day and I feel like a participant in watching it unfold. Each day is new, exciting, fulfilling and wondrous. I no longer doubt my awesomeness, for no other reason than I have a loving heart and an interesting soul.

You can take that same energy you’re giving to misplaced goals, unfair expectations, disappointment, doubt, discontent and any fear based emotion and redirect it toward something positive. What is it you need to ignite your soul? Do it. I’ve made a million excuses and talked myself out of so many things. I’m done. Get fed up with yourself and that is the beginning of the end for your ego. The begending. :) Let your essence and your goodness lead the way, your greatness is sure to follow.

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Other related articles: Living with a Guilty Conscience Living with a Sexual Appetite

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Are You a Stage-5 Clinger or a Day Dreamer?

The past is valuable because you learn. The stove is hot. Next time, I will not touch it as I will burn myself, as I just did. See, what a beautiful lesson the past has now taught us, and guess what? I haven’t burnt myself on the stove for a while; so yeah, feeling good. Learning to surrender the emotional scars, learning from your own mistakes while not dwelling in guilt and self-punishment, now that’s another story. All I can say is when we are trapped in the past, we repeat the past, over and over again ad nauseam. It’s not cute. Nor is it helpful or enlightening. It’s repetitive and banal until it becomes predictable and damaging. I look back on the men I used to be drawn to, or the one I let myself fall effortlessly into the void too many times, and I smirk and roll my eyes. What a dumbass. But you see? It’s just that kind of internal rhetoric that does not serve me NOW, the only fucking reality there ever is. At one point, I became fed up with my own patterns and I (with the support and encouragement of my mom and friends of course, an important tool) yanked myself out of it and truly moved on. That was just men. One sliver of what’s turning out to be a delicious savory sweet pie. Now I struggle with self-doubt, less now that I’ve pursued teaching and writing truthfully with commitment, but I’ve been absorbing courage from some pretty incredible friends and colleagues, who live wildly open, naked, raw, and while I find it important to be that friend for others, who cheers them on, supports their expression and is proud of their ballsiness, I need to turn that good friend in me and direct it inward, because no one will get me to do anything but me, the good me that says I’m worthy just as others are, that just because there are streams of talent and beauty being showcased there is no necessity for comparison. Expression is expression and regardless if I blow people away, the release of letting something out nourishes me beyond what any purchase, drug or fear could placate. The bad me says it’s self-indulgent, attention seeking and nothing life-changing so why bother? Because I wouldn’t let some asshole tell me I’m worthless and shitty so why would I tell that to myself? It’s astonishing how much we can get in our own way, basically because we’re choosing fear over love. Think about the decisions you’ve made, big and small, day-to-day in how you engage with others to getting up on that dance floor or making that big speech, falling in love, reaching out when in need, whatever those triggers are for you. How often have you stopped yourself from speaking, acting, crying, believing, loving? We can change this. Patience, practice and presence.

So I’d say my fears and my sense of time, derived by my complex mind, have allowed me to slowly evolve and learn, but I’ve managed to keep some childhood patterns, the one where I won’t try something unless I know I’ll be good at it (WTF is that?! What arrogant asshole assumes they’ll be good at everything? Clearly everything worth doing is challenging. I’m learning.), meaning I must show potential in this or why am I here? The answer is growth. That’s why I’m here and while I feel it’s helpful and important to follow your strengths so you can give whatever gift is inside outwardly, we mustn't shy away from attempting things that scare us because of some hypothetical bullshit, scaredy cat attitude, where we project potential scenarios into the future, predicting embarrassment and ridicule, instead of reality where human beings are kind and supportive and appreciate vulnerability and someone’s willingness to fall down and get back up.

So the past is repeated and the future is rehearsed. Boy was I a dreamer as a child. I’m pretty sure I had insomnia. I was fine, healthy, functioned adequately, but I did spend many nights awake just pondering, wondering, dreaming, and while that’s fun and imagination should certainly be fostered, I fell into a pattern (conditioned by my past) to focus my attention and enthusiasm at achievements or events arriving at a later day. So, I predicated my happiness on something happening down the line. I’d make myself sick from excitement or stress (one might call this anxiety) and I look back at periods of my life as if they’re a blur, because I spent so much of that time trapped in my mind, reliving the past, anticipating the future. I’m starting to sound like a broken record to my yoga students because I mention this often, but everything I’ve learned and gathered in my life thus far, has led me to this truth. This may be the only thing I know for sure. Happiness exists, joy animates, enthusiasm projects, and acceptance takes residence in this very moment, this fraction of a second, Now, and nowhere else. It’s not over there, it’s not marked on your calendar, it’s not within another human being or animal, not at your apartment, or your workspace, not when you can practice your hobby, or have that drink or puff. It’s not when you graduate, when you get the promotion or raise, that new car, new bag, new stuff, new look, new friend, new romance, or the next new magical gift that will then turn the light inside you ON. It’s right fucking here, right fucking now. Surrender to that, and your outward expression and experience in this measly little lifetime we’re given will become so vast and spacious, you’ll be overwhelmed. You may enjoy the aforementioned things, derive pleasure, but these are merely bonuses, facets to a rich existence, but not the path to long-term contentment or internal success.

I still find myself questioning decisions I’ve made or will make. I find myself disheartened and perplexed by human beings constantly, those I have to deal with on a consistent basis, and while I have days where I just feel like shit, I feel low, I feel like no one gives a fuck, I’m able to pull myself out of that mind-induced slump quicker, knowing that I give a fuck and there is a short list of quality human beings and a few animals who care too. This world is consuming, moving rapidly but progressing slowly, and it’s imperative that your personal sense of time and your stage in this evolutionary process is completely removed from the world’s time, clock time, psychological time. Use the past as a tool to remind yourself you’ve repeated a pattern, get to know your inner monologue and adjust it to uplift yourself. Use the future as fuel to fire up the present, because the better you are in THIS moment, imagine the result in the next. Use time as a tool, not a crutch. Surrender the unknown, what you cannot control and what you cannot change and bring more vibrancy to learning, using what you do know, regulate what you can from within and let it bleed out.

Surrendering attachment, truly letting go is a gradual, inside out process. Giving up caffeine or cigarettes will only eliminate a fraction of the problem, until our lingering resentment and soured expectations conjure up a new vice to diminish the negative web our minds are spinning. Sure we need to let go of the past, forgive ourselves and others, recognize what’s done is done, the bell can never be un-rung, but the real strength is in surrendering each moment, accepting yourself and your extenuating circumstances AS THEY ARE, not as they could have been or how they should be or how you hope they’ll be, but accepting responsibility to control your reactions, your perceptions and ultimately your attachment to whatever IS. Eckhart Tolle, Joseph Campbell and many brilliant Yogis and philosophers explain and personify this beautifully. It’s beyond even the most beautifully written words. It is a truth you must infuse into your way of living and being. It’s not to be labeled. It’s not a noun, verb or adverb. It just Is. You just Are.

Can you continue to blossom as the external dares you to shrink? Can you give yourself warmth and light from the very essence you are when the thunderous darkness of your ego and it’s stubborn attachment to the unimportant aim to envelop you, leaving you cold and confused, even more steeped in fear, feeling even more alone. You can start very easily by accepting your mind and body as it is right now, there’s nothing you can do in this moment to change it or manipulate it so you somehow perceive it positively. Let go of comparison, of judgment, of expectation and just embrace yourself and the Now. Notice even within a challenging task how surrender feels. The more you fidget, grimace, or clench (physically and mentally), the more difficult and frustrating it will be. What you resist persists. It is difficult because our minds are cunning, clever little bastards and they seek to retell the same boring sob story over and over again. Just begin by bringing awareness to whatever your patterns are, wherever your tendency toward control manifests and through that awareness, a space will open up for wisdom, kindness, acceptance and release. Let go.

You deserve the most vibrant life a human can live. Believe it and Be it. Turn ON the light the only way possible, yourself, without worry for other’s brightness, your genuine example of acceptance and enthusiasm for this moment is bound to rub off positively on someone. And if not, you’ve got You and that’s one hell of an accomplishment. Those of us working to find more presence and light within can serve others by bouncing off ideas, giving support, and when in doubt, thinking and acting out of compassion. I am merely a work in progress, but I’m sincerely jazzed and buzzing from the challenge that is living a remarkable life, aiming to brighten my and someone else’s day and find that more darkness has faded away.

No matter the weather, no matter your upbringing, your socio-economic status, your religious or political affiliations, your sexual preferences, your grade point average, your color, your size, your current job or your dream job, your perceived status or reputation, the details of your past or projections for the future, You can choose to turn on that light, operate from your best essence and surrender to what is, to embrace here and now, proactively choose Love instead of reactively choosing fear. Surrender is under-valued and connotes images of a white flag and of loss. Bullshit. It takes strength to let go. You're a bright shiny winner.

You ARE Life. Stop wasting your energy and Live.