The Mother I Hope to Be

Today is Mother's Day. Probably a bit cliche to write on this day, but I'm so full of emotion and overflowing with sensitivity I truly cannot help but share all that I'm feeling with any who will resonate.

This happens to me my first momma's day spent while pregnant. I'm expecting my first child, a reality that blooms ripe with intense concerns and endless what if's. I'm scared shitless, to be frank. On one hand, I'm glad I waited until 30 to have my first. I did a lot of learning in my twenties, had a lot of fun, experienced a lot of travel, toyed with a couple career options, lived overseas and in big cities.

I think I'm far enough removed from my own childhood to be on own momma, to parent in my own unique way, to be the organic baby food making, cloth diaper using, natural birth having, breast feeding momma I want to be.

But that's just what I think. What do I feel? Frightened! Confused! So unsure, plagued with doubt, worry and disbelief this is all happening. I wanted this child so much, and still do, but now the surreality of being a mother has me questioning everything. Am I strong enough? Will I know what to do? Am I confident enough to be a genuine role model? Am I enough?

And it was this morning when I woke up that I realized all these questions and concerns were nonsense. I'm sure every first time mother feels their own version of this. These questions can never be answered, certainly not with my mind, not with the endless array of books and advice out there. Nowhere.

I simply must trust that my ability and desire to love and care for this little being will supersede all the mistakes I am sure to make. Each day when I talk to my mom, all I feel is loved, supported, encouraged and uplifted. And that's all I felt throughout childhood. Even through those formidable moments when you discover your mom is in fact human, I still only felt loved. And that's what has carried me through my toughest days, my biggest doubts, my lowest lows.

My momma's love and dedication to being our mom gave us permission to be human, it gave us that invisible net to fall into, so we were unafraid to reach and jump, to be the weird little humans she raised us to be. What better gift can I give my child than that? Than genuine unconditional love? Real love, unwavering love, joyous love.

The mother I hope to be is the momma I had. She never seemed tired of us, bored with us, irritated by us, regretful of her role as our mother. She seemed right at home in our home. She set wise boundaries while letting us test our limits. She instilled a strong sense of compassion for other living beings, a belief in our abilities to work hard and achieve the life we wanted, and most importantly, the ability to love and be loved.

Thank you, Momma. I know I can do this. And when I can't, at least I have you. I love all you incredible mothers out there. Go hug a mom.

When Someone Loves You

Love feels goodReally damn good And it’s easy I hate this perpetuating myth that love is hard Relationships take work Bullshit It feels like no effort at all to be kind to the ones I love In fact it feels better than anything else To encourage To uplift To give all of yourself Is the ultimate realization of our purpose on Earth To love And Be loved And Be Love There’s an ongoing addiction amongst many That clings to the need to fight To stir up trouble That soaks up drama like a dry sponge That needs constant reminders And validation How much do you love me? As if it could ever be quantified We forget that Love just is We complicate it By writing about it Stirring about it Asking about it Neglecting to realize the answer is always there Right behind the chest Behind the eyes Reveals the whole truth No disguise, no lies We simply must Be about it Mute all other noise Listen to the pure, still, silence within It speaks volumes But is often drown out By excessive sights and sounds Purchases and luxuries A rat race A salary chase A bad man’s embrace There are no answers echoed by the mouths of babes There exist no string of letters that eloquently point to the truth To knowing BEing Sincerely Seeing Not dreaming Or hoping Or doping Certainly not moping Living is close Thriving is better One takes the cake more than ever Just this Bliss Now Pulsing with all others And the universe It’s not about god Religion Superstition Hallucination It’s here In front of you Beating within you Loving the life you Are Over the one you Have Loving a smile A hug An out of the blue gesture of kindness Generosity Without currency An acceptance Among each individual Of themselves And others And an understanding That love is kind Honest Benevolent Giving And receiving Equally Without attachment Or expectation A contract can’t solidify it A ring holds no value This is dirty Raw Pure Open Trusting Trustworthy Respectful Humorous Considerate Understanding Cyclical But never repetitive Comfortable But never boring Caring But never controlling Real fucking Love Love it takes guts to follow Genuine self worth to know you deserve And an unrelenting tolerance of life’s waves of changes Flow Roll on Float above Fall in Love With you First The Planet second And whoever the fuck you want after And ever after From Now On It’s not difficult It really isn’t Nut up Shut up And be the badass you’re meant to be Love yourself So you’re not an ass to others Don’t smother Or ignore Wo(man) up And show up This ride ain’t shit without Love Real Love Timeless Effortless Endless Fuck all these words Delete them Now Move forward Knowing how It’s in you already Tune in Take the ride worth living Surrender within Enjoy every rise Learn from every fall Love will carry you Happily through it all

Davis Love

As tears seemingly rush to escape my face I’m struck by the magnitude of the last 36 hours. At no time previously have I felt such a wretched cocktail of emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, hope. The rest of us are in survival mode along with Davis, but just emotionally. I spent many slow minutes yesterday feeling angry. For the life of me I cannot fathom why this would happen to him, to one of the most genuine, kind, loving, present souls I’ve been fortunate enough to meet. Visuals of him dancing and performing are playing on a reel in my mind along with the usually happy and beautiful whysowhite sounds. I cannot remove him. He was already becoming a big part of my life and therefore on my mind and heart, but now, there’s no turning back. I don’t want to think of anything or anyone else. I’m re-living the laughs and the sincere joy in our conversations and hoping like hell that energy channels into his healing.

I have three jobs. I can’t muster up the concentration or the general giving a shit it requires to fulfill any of those duties. I have no physical or mental energy to teach, certainly no patience to serve mothers and children, and no motivation to write except about Davis. Give me a task involving him or his family. I don’t want a way out of this because I’m in it to win it (like Dennis Kucinich) and I may not get one of his amazing hugs for a while, but I will squeeze his hand and look into his eyes very soon.

I’m still searching and grasping for meaning. Time has slowed significantly so although it’s only been 1-2 days, it’s played like weeks and I’ve had nothing but time to ruminate and feel, for better or worse. What has uplifted me is not only the strength and optimism his family carries (not surprising given how wonderful Davis is) and encountering people all around Chicago who have someway been affected by Davis’ presence. The customers at Savor, the employees at establishments he frequents, my friends and family who’ve maybe only met him once, all giving an outpour of concern and love over one human being. That’s the lesson. You want a legacy? You curious who cares about you, who shows up if something tragic happens to you? Well you get what you give and Davis and the Haines family are being inundated with the evidence of his affect on the world and people around him. Davis is all about love, he expresses this all the time, and I hope with every fiber of my being that he feels one tenth of what he’s given us, because we are all trying like hell to get our message across.

Davis has no lessons to learn or perspective to gain. He’s got it. He’s our 1000 year old Buddha in a talented, sweet, adorable package. So the universe is not sending one man a message. The lesson is for the remaining thousands who are sick over the potential of losing him and inspired to not only express that appreciation for him, but for others and perhaps even for ourselves. Yes I’m wearing a helmet, riding cautiously, walking with tremendous gratitude, breathing with humility, but the breakthrough of awareness inside is bringing about a shift in consciousness only Davis could inspire. He once told me I was a beacon of light. As I reflect upon this moment I can’t help but sob. I told him it was merely his light reflecting off of me and we ultimately decided it was a wash. Regardless who actually had the light (my bet is on him) that moment changed me. It motivated me to be that light all the time. Somehow Davis brings out the best in me and in others and I want that version of myself to show %100 of the time, not just with him.

I’ve also learned that wisdom and bliss can be learned and experienced by people of all ages, from anywhere. Learning both Davis and his twin brother Charles were not only from Alabama but also had only 21 years on this planet threw me for many crazy loops. They’re both ageless, genderless, colorless. They impact you in the best way, by walking the walk, being who they inherently are; goodness. Eckhart Tolle has taught me you cannot identify or define yourself with forms and expect to be truly happy or egoless. Somehow Davis and Charles know this, not just understanding it, but living it, from the inside out. Screw under my skin, Davis gets into your heart and stays, and that’s fine because with him there I exude more love and kindness than I thought I could. He’s impacted and changed my life significantly in such a short period of time. I can’t imagine the subsequent changes from now on. I wish I could adopt him. Or that I had a younger sister I could somehow convince him to marry. Our bond feels familial and the instincts and sensations coursing through my veins during this time has only given proof to that connection. Like many others, I will wait as long as it takes to see him again, to laugh with him, to learn from him, and I’ll keep going back, everyday, like my daily vitamins or health regime, I’ll show my love and support, and he will heal my soul.