Letting Go of Being Let Go

There’s a festering ball of assholey nerves combusting in my gut. I’m working to keep it contained, drained even, but it fucking lingers like the plague. I am feeling mostly positive, actually happy I don’t have a boss anymore (I dig my autonomy big time.), a place to be 50 hours a week, 2 hours of traffic to endure to get to this uninspiring place where dreams go to die. But I am still daunted, still unsure, still sick at the thought of growing a child while being under-employed.

I accept these are my circumstances and that they are not permanent. I do. But I wrangle with the impermanence all the same. What direction to move next? What to do? Where to go? Who to connect with? And all I really want to do is nap and eat bread with lots of butter (don’t judge me, that’s what the baby wants!). I feel guilty for being happy I don’t have to return to that wretched job, with people I enjoyed, but a space I did not. I feel embarrassed I was fired, my ego is screaming in anger. My heart is pounding in delight. My mind just keeps saying ‘FUCK.’

Should I feel guilty that a major part of my being now feels free? I feel unchained, bound to nothing, obliged to no one, left to be judged by only one harsh critic: ME. Is that bad? No, it just is. I can’t change it. My doubts going in are proving as truths coming out. Ain’t hindsight a bitch. And ain’t intuition brilliant? And ain’t my mind and my pesky little ego and its need for external satisfaction a bunch of idiots in cahoots?

It’s easy to bark, I didn’t like you that much anyway! once someone broke your heart, but seeing they were no good for you at the get go, now that intelligence takes some honing. The mind is so crafty, the ego so convincing. You need this, it says. Your parents will be so proud, it purports. How much longer must you live paycheck to paycheck, it annoyingly questions.

The point is it’s easy to cry I knew it once someone’s pulled the plug before I could. But I didn’t know it. And that might bother me most of all, the fact that I’d leave whatever keen intuition I thought I’d built over years of introspection, yoga, meditation. Years of discontent, doubt, criticism. I’d found such peace in Chicago, I’d stopped worrying whether I was in the right place because I felt like I was.

But transition helps you take 3 steps backward and get to know the real you again. And I learned there’s still that little asshole inside of me that feels incomplete, unsuccessful and ultimately, unworthy. I loathe pragmatism and yet I chose it at the drop of a hat. I wasn’t looking for it, but it still found me. The universe found yet another way to test me.

I’m listening. I see. I promise.

So what am I supposed to learn from this? I am a crummy project manager? I should’ve listened to those semi-ripened instincts? Income doesn’t predicate success? Don’t quit your day job? All of the above? Believe me, I feel it all. I’ve usually reflected on myself with bird shit covered glasses, failures make me simultaneously feel right and wrong. I’m often quite mean to myself. And I’m still working on it. Obviously.

I feel humbled, to say the least. And I’m not sure how to wisely move forward. My head throbs from berating myself and my eyes burn from wasted tears. Who the fuck am I? Thought I’d had a fraction of my recipe figured out, but I’m still just a mess of ingredients with no clue how to assemble into a functional piece that makes sense.

I know there are lessons to be learned, wisdom to be gleaned, a window to be opened from this slammed door. Or at least cracked. A cracked window that I can nudge and hopefully squeeze me and my pregnant belly through. But in truth, I am baffled by the task of starting over, yet again, of hitting rewind and pushing play in a now different movie.

I can’t help the thoughts that I disappointed by family, let down my loved ones, even though they’d smack me for feeling that way (not really, they’d roll their eyes and say shut the hell up and move on, you got this shit!). I know the fear is a projection of what I feel inside, but it’s there nonetheless. The lessons of my favorite writers and teachers are echoing in my mind. The memes we all love to share reverberating truths into my pounding skull.

I must practice acceptance, embrace surrender. I must take responsibility and own my contribution so I emerge better and smarter from my failures, rather than bitter and befuddled. I’m not angry at anyone else but myself. And I shouldn’t be angry. I tried. I gave it my best, I can sincerely say that. So fuck it, I didn’t like it anyway. Money schmoney.

This release is a relief, a gift, a pink slip to freedom. I’ve been returned to a world I should have never left. In the 5.5 years I spent teaching, I never doubted my place, didn’t question my purpose. I knew I was right where I was supposed to be. I never had less money but felt more abundant. I felt I was helping people while helping myself.

Who cares if I had to shake things up and move to a completely new place? Who cares if I’m now with child and my husband is in what feels like an endlessly expensive and time sucking stint in grad school? We’ve endured worse in our 9 years. For some reason, staring at the precipice of 30, with dreams of a family and home in my future, allowed me to let logic and societal norms brainwash me again.

There is something for everyone, a job that can fulfill many, but my job rests in sharing what I know and love with others. And I’m good at it, not afraid or hesitant to admit it anymore. There are many amazing people who also share what I do. They make me better, they uplift my spirits, they're brilliance doesn't make me any less of what I am.

Feedback from students has always been good, why would I question it? Fear. Fear of how to build success without selling out or selling my soul. Fear of trusting my way and my unique path. I’d forgotten the advice I’d so often given: Your path is un-carved, trust yourself to make your way. I simply need to focus on being a great teacher for my wonderful students. I don’t need to be anyone but me, follow any path but mine, adhere to anyone’s code but my own.

I just need to teach. And teach well. And love hard. And hug tight. Who cares about the beauty of a handstand? I’m more interested in sharing insights on living with ease. The handstands will come, let’s try for happy and sane first. I know I must practice what I preach and accept all flaws and failures before I can truly see beauty and success.

Time to nut up or shut up. Nothing more motivating than having no choice to be exactly who you fucking are. And I’m ready. Things often get hard before they get good. I know life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows all the time. I wouldn’t want it to be. This little bitter end adds to the spice of my life, adds to my quirky little recipe. I’m becoming quite the flavorful dish.

Please stay connected and think of me if you need a qualified and passionate Restorative and Yoga teacher, creative nonfiction writer or web content creator, a Yoga Hike guide, or just a nice boost! You can find me at Dani Eats Life on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Please also feel welcome to email danieatslife@gmail.com!

Forgiving Yourself: A Conversation Amongst Loved Ones

Below is a very short transcript of an actual conversation that happened via text just a few short days ago. It doesn’t matter who it was with, or even the context surrounding this exchange; what matters is the concept of letting go of our past selves, especially our major decisions and mistakes. It’s only important to note this person is in the top five major influences in my life, we love each other dearly, and they’ve always been a major source of encouragement and solace for me. We can often learn more about ourselves from the advice we give others. It is far more difficult to turn that wisdom within and free ourselves from whatever burden we’ve chosen to carry thus far.

Perhaps you can read through this short conversation and fill in your own blanks. What decision or version of yourself are you still carrying around with you today? Imagine if you let it, and you, go. The filter through which you perceive the world just may clear, it most certainly will adjust, and your vision for the future will be renewed. The mechanisms you use to defend and protect yourself will begin to soften, and the darkness you’re so determined to cling to will no longer survive once you’ve made the conscious choice to lighten your load.

Lighten up. You deserve it.

Me: And let go of every single shred of guilt you have left. Each choice you made was the right decision at the time. No more agonizing now. I respect your decision. Fuck everyone else.

Loved one: Wow...thank you

Me: No thank you necessary. I’m telling you the truth and it’s probably something you should hear because I don’t think you tell yourself this enough. Forgiveness of yourself is the most important decision you can make.

Loved one: Still a very difficult part of my past, but I can’t change it

Me: Yes, difficult then, not now. You can release it now.

Loved one: I actually try to work on that because I definitely have a hard time forgiving myself and I know better

Me: People’s pasts define them as long as they hold onto it, as long as it weighs on them. This needn’t be the case.

Loved one: So true...it’s hard to rewire your brain?

Me: It’s not as hard as it seems. I think expressing myself has helped me. You can find your own special way to release it, privately or with whoever else.

Loved one: For sure

While in the midst of this conversation I had no intention on sharing it, with anyone. I’ve never shared one before. This one just struck me, something about being able to reread the words and apply my own insight to the very issues I adhere myself to on a yearly basis seemed so simple and yet so strong and helpful. Most of us are ass kickers when it comes to supporting our loved ones, dispensing salient advice in the right moments, filling another’s heart will compliments we’d never utter to ourselves. What the fuck kind of sense does this make? Sure, be generous, especially in spirit, give your love and goodness to others, but it is whack to neglect yourself. The best teacher you can be for others is to live your own truth, love yourself first and be the light you were born to be.

You can, and should, relinquish the past to the past. Unless you’re currently incarcerated (even so, this is a mere physical imprisonment, your heart and soul are in your hands), the only person holding you hostage, keeping you trapped in a fragile shell of the person you used to be, is you. Free yourself. Forgive yourself. You can. First, acknowledge the moments, the eras in time, the decisions, the attitude and emotions surrounding these memories where you’ve kept guilt, sadness, frustration, confusion, and so on. It could be a severed relationship, a choice to do or not do something huge (go to college, travel, tell someone how you feel), or a mere accumulation of negative muck passed on by others (unsupportive loved ones, bullies, bosses, teachers) that you’ve chosen to believe about yourself to this point. Find some way to express it, release it, burn it. Writing has been so helpful for me, cathartic and eye-opening. Painting has been the same for other loved ones. No one has to see, you just have to become aware and feel how it feels to let it go.

There’s a line in that super famous Gotye song that says, “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.” Isn’t that true? We become so accustomed to feeling blah, to feeling just okay, to feeling negative, to feeling guilty, to feeling afraid, to feeling sad, to feeling inadequate, to feeling uninspired, to feeling less than. Shake yourself up! Break up your repeated thoughts, your emotional patterns, your means of defense, your cycles of crap, and decide today to think, feel, do and be lighter. Forgiving yourself will do tremendous wonders to your tolerance of others. With this breath, let it all go. Take the next breath in, feeling new.

Choose to trust and love yourself first, be open to doing the same with others second, and let this be the first and most important decision you make before you embark on your life each day. You are worth it. You are capable. You can be the reason you love life, the reason you rise above, living in light, rather than being buried under the weight of the world, dying in darkness. This is why the buddha is laughing! He realizes how futile and how transient it all is. This bullshit you complain about could be gone in an hour. Filter through the nonsense, wave bye-bye to assholes and happiness vacuums, and recognize how special it is to be alive and how important it is you enjoy all that you are and all that you have Now.

Grateful for yesterday, blissed for today, encouraged for tomorrow.

Danielle Robinson Yoga teacher/ Writer You, Me and Yoga Makes 3 on Facebook Follow: @mastic8onthis on Twitter Check out some more insight on MindBodyGreen