Returning To Who You Always Were

My mom sent me a photo recently. It's of me at 3 years old, circa 1987, the one showcased below. I keep looking at it. I have the most bizarre feelings. I cycle between laughter and tears. I cannot believe the pure, innocent JOY radiating from every pore. This chick does not give a shit. She is blissed and doesn't care who knows it. She's free.

Like how I refer to her as her and she but not me? Weird, huh? I know it's me, but I see her as a totally separate being, almost as if she's my child, my little sister, my cousin, someone I love deeply but she can't be me. I still carry her exuberance, her boisterous personality, her sense of humor, her enthusiasm. But life has chipped away at that pure, honest beauty she was.

Despite my being happier than ever (well, not ever, refer to said photo!), feeling great in my skin and with my life, there is something in my expression that is less raw. I want it back. I want to return to who I always was.

Where did she go? Why can't we restore the pure openness and loving nature we're given at birth? Heartbreaks, losses, failures and embarrassments chip away at our true nature. But they shouldn't. We can always return home.

Who cares if your parents got divorced or if your girlfriend cheated on you or if you got fired or if you never got hired or if you fell on your ass or fell on your face? Who cares? Seriously. Who fucking cares? No one. That is all a misguided perception created by this evil hole in our minds.

Naturally, none of us wants to fail. None of us wants to be betrayed, to have a love unrequited, to go for a big dream and experience rejection. Of course not. But what other choice do we have? And who are we answering to? If you're a grown ass adult and your parents make you feel guilty or shitty for not succeeding in a way they dreamed for you, oh well.

I know I seem dismissive and cavalier, but it's YOUR life. No one else's. It's none of your parent's business any longer how you make your living, how you do your loving, why you feel compelled toward a certain path. Anyone worth being in your life will love and encourage you through whatever weird journey you embark upon.

There's a place for blunt and honest advice. In fact, that's the absolute best to receive. No nonsense, no bullshit, straight forward truth. And just because someone tells you something you don't want to hear doesn't mean they don't love or support you. As long as they respect your choices and genuinely wish for your health and happiness, then you can take the advice that resonates and throw away the rest. And they'll be fine either way.

And so will you. So why not return to your true nature? The person you were born to be? Joyous, delightful, silly, weird, excited, passionate, dynamic, unique, without a care for who approves or disapproves. Now, there's an important distinction to be made between not worrying about others think, staying true to yourself and your dreams, and using the whole not caring what others think as an excuse to be a dick.

I used to be that way. I wasn't a bully, definitely not. If anything, my attempt and attitude surrounded bullying bullies. I got off on putting people in their place. But I certainly used the not caring excuse to be bitchy and blunt in a negative way. Now, I sincerely want to leave people feeling good in my presence. If I don't dig them, if they're pissy or unfortunate, I'll kindly send them on their way.

Putting them in their place was so about me, not about them. My ego got a great rush of satisfaction when slapping them with some acerbic wit or proving someone else wrong. Being right is such a trivial victory.The reward leaves the soul as quickly as it entered, if the soul was even involved at all. So, luckily, age and many lessons learned brought me to a place where I don't need to be right as much.

Back to the point on hand. Returning to that jolly, ridiculous 3 year old. You think she gave a shit that her hair was frizzy, her bangs were too short, her thighs were touching, or some popular girl didn't like her Winnie the Pooh shirt? No. Hell no. She is owning it. God, I love her. Look at her! Go find some old photos of yourself or try to recall a memory from childhood, before the world darkened your perception, when there was no filter in your mind, no worries in your heart. You were happy just to Be.

Let's all meet back there. It's possible to be experienced, intelligent, previously jaded, and hopeful, bright eyed and unapologetically yourself at the same time. It's a choice! You have a moment, a light bulb moment where you recognize the patterns you want to change. You get sick of being cranky, sick of seeing your flaws instead of your strengths, sick of feeling anxious over what another could be thinking, and BAM! You start living, thinking, breathing and moving for yourself.

Once you start living from your joy, driven toward a path un-carved by anyone else, operating from a sense of love and a near desperate need to soak up the most out of life, other people respond. They love that shit! You'll attract happier people, the beings you've always wanted but tried too hard to get. Real, open, honest, funny, fantastic relationships emerge, personally and professionally.

Most children are unafraid. They're bold. They try and they don't give a fuck if they fail. They have no concept of trying to please another, worrying about they'll be judged or perceived. No way. Why not return to that mentality? It's right there for the taking! It's truly who you are and who you are meant to be.

Me attempting to keep my childish enthusiasm in Bali;)

Return to who you always were. Be blissed. Be free. Eat life.

Engage with me further at danieatslife.com Retreat with me in San Luis Obispo, March 22-25, 2014

Not afraid to admit it...

7 Reasons you should be watching the Ellen show, as in Ellen Degeneres’s talk show. 1: It’s funny. Yeah, I said it. Groundbreaking information, I know! The decades long comedian is, in fact, funny. Like with most funny people and talk-show hosts, Ellen is at her best off the cuff, conversing with audience members or guests. She lets others shine, show-cases her funny staff, applauds her talented guests, and gives many members of the audience her spot-light on a daily basis.

2: It’s good for humanity. Without ever pushing an agenda down your throat, Ellen and her staff give thousands consistently to charity, promote good-will and kindness, and provide valuable information on how we can make a difference, with or without our wallets. She creates games, events, laughs and entertainment as an avenue for change. You can dunk Eva Longoria in filthy water and with one pitch (or ten depending on your skill level, I was an all-star as a child, so, yeah.) you’ve given $10,000 to Breast Cancer Research. She created her own healthy, natural pet-food company called Halo, gives her time, money and energy to causes like the Gentle Barn, campaigns peacefully for legislation like Prop 2 (providing factory farm animals with larger pens, cleaner, kinder conditions), and has gradually become a vegan and lightly given the world tips on approaching a kinder diet ourselves. She shares with humor her personal changes on acquiring an eco-friendly home and lifestyle, gives down on their luck, solid people new cars, money toward their needed repairs, medical bills or school loans, sends someone who needs a boost on a vacation, and provides us all with the greatest medicine and antidote to the state of the world right now, laughter.

3: Talent. Talent. Talent. There’s something for everyone here. I hate country music, loathe it, I’d rather hear babies crying to the sounds of kittens screaming while scratching their nails down sand-paper as the parents scrape sharpened forks on dinner plates. So it’s clear I do not enjoy country music? Ok, good. But, she has country favorites like Rascal Flats and Taylor Swift (those are the only 2 I know, otherwise I simply fast-forward, but there’s more), rappers like Lil Wayne, R&B stars like Bruno Mars, balladeers like Adele, rockers like Kings of Leon and so on. She has musical, theatrical, comedic, dance, culinary, and inventive artists of all ages, sizes, colors and backgrounds on her show and truly shares in the enthusiasm of their gifts and wants to share those gifts. Even better is Ellen and her staff scour the internet and other sources I’m sure to find undiscovered talent, in various genres, and give them a once in a lifetime chance to showcase their tightly honed skills in front of millions. So she’s generous in many ways and the ultimate supporter of the arts. She recognizes our greatest artists cannot be defined and probably haven’t been discovered yet. So regardless if you’re not into a particular artist or genre (like my allergy to honky tonk), you will no doubt be in the next segment or next episode. Just keep watching. And swimming.

4: Tolerance. She, just by being herself, is raising awareness and acceptance amongst many generations in America. She’s affecting generations, in particular the future of our country, and world, our youth. Children love her, they don’t care that she’s gay, that she’s not on camera with long hair, dresses, heels, and overall stereotypical girly behavior. They like her for who she is, because she is a beautiful person, inside and out. She promotes not only self-acceptance, but non-judgment and tolerance of others as well. Not since the most powerful woman in the world (and probably God if God exists) was an African-American woman by the name of Oprah did someone revolutionize television in such a remarkable way. She leads by example and is the greatest advocate for progress and love simply because she exudes that truth.

5: Dance, dance til you’re dead! I’m a huge fan, lover, admirer, enthusiast of dance, in all forms, modern, classic, ordinary and strange. I just fricken love it! And not club dancing either, I’ll dance with my girlfriends but paying money to go into a large warehouse-like building, with seizure inducing strobe lights, awful house music and the throngs of males thinking they can match their crotches with my precious back-end, simply because we’re both in the same place at the same time just puts me off. But dancing to a classic song like Boogy Shoes with Ellen and the audience brings a smile to my face I don’t even think my husband’s seen. Whether you’re “good” or “bad” is irrelevant, the message is to stop taking yourself so seriously, move your big beautiful butt and enjoy the ride. It simultaneously promotes health and bliss because dancing increases your heart rate and burns calories while also bringing you into the ever joyful present moment. She of course has dancers from various stages, young and old, famous or not, and let’s them perform and extract the enthusiasm right out of you.

6: The antithesis of gossip. Ellen, as previously mentioned, is a comedian. She’s observational and will make jokes and commentary on the current state of the world; however, this never includes gossip or rumors, beating up on someone who’s down, or giving anyone who doesn’t deserve it (ie: Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan) a platform or attention. She’s able to be funny and topical without needlessly stooping to the TMZ and entertainment show levels. So you can see and hear about your favorite artists, get updates on the state of the world and Hollywood, but never engage in negative high school-like rhetoric. I’m an admittedly somewhat cynical person at times, and I enjoy really crass and harsh comedians (Ricky Gervais, Daniel Tosh, Natasha Leggero), but they’re mostly ironic and cleverly pointing out atrocities and train wrecks we’re all talking about with our friends. That has it’s place. Entertainment news and tabloids are largely pointless, spreading lies and deliberately being negative without even a whiff of actual humor. With Ellen, it’s purely up-lifting and kind. She walks the walk.

7: It’s collaborative. The new documentary I Am, a fascinating exploration by Director Tom Shadyac of Ace Ventura and Bruce Almight fame, dares to claim humans are, in fact, naturally collaborative and not competitive, as we more often embody. He also shows how human beings, scientifically, biologically, emotionally, what have you, are all connected. These facts are somewhat contradictory to how we think, feel and behave in this technologically advanced, competition based society. Ellen, in my opinion, not only embodies these claims but provides evidence of this truth. Her show’s success and effect on the world shows what human beings collaborating for a common purpose can achieve. Watching the audience dance and laugh with joy, and observing their connection with complete strangers, makes those of us at home on our couches feel that same connection and bliss. By giving the audience information and inspiration on how to get more out of their own lives and how to make someone else’s life a little better, she’s gently promoting both collaboration and connection. Ultimately the show makes me forget about the humans who irritate and frustrate me, and leaves me thinking of those in my life who make me laugh, smile, and feel encouraged, feel connected.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GCOKA7PvCM

As she says, Laugh. Dance. Ellen. Enjoy.