Uncharted Territory

Today I embark on what has been a dream for a third of my life, to visit the majestic and ethereal land of Bali, the spiritually fertile land of exquisite beauty and enlightened souls. A surreal day this is, reality meeting years of fantasy. I still can't wrap my brain or even my heart around it. It all exists on a different dimension somehow, one still just beyond my grasp. But in a matter of hours I will be in the midst of it, in it, actually living it. And I haven't a clue how to handle myself. 

I felt a similar sensation when embarking on a three year journey in Italy back in 2007. Italian blood (and pasta) had long been in my veins, a remarkable trip already under my belt, the olive oil like language already singing in my head. There was only excitement for Italy, in many ways thinking I already knew what to expect. What three years brought was the repetitive life lesson that you never know what to expect, how something will feel, what life has to bring until the moment is upon you, until you're in it. 

After teaching Yoga and other classes for a couple years in Sicily, I knew I'd need more training, more learning, more inspiration before I could successfully transition back to the United States. More uncharted territory was ahead: Chicago. After living in my dream place for three years, I opted to study more Yoga in another fantasy land of mine: New York City. There were nerves over being alone in the city without friends or family, taking on a challenging training in the States not knowing how my experience and practice would compare to others, and the slight worry of taking my skills into Chicago, even newer land to plow with even less people on my side. 

No three years of my life were more filled with intense emotions, personal evolution and lesson learning than my years in Chicago. I found my voice and purpose as a teacher and writer, I saw the good, bad and ugly of my being and slowly began to acknowledge what I wanted to change. Through the greatest friends and colleagues I've ever known, I began to implement those changes, I felt myself softening, actually living the wisdom I'd only intellectually understood. I simultaneously saw the massive potential for growth and improvement while accepting, and even liking, where I was. This is where the present moment, living for Love, and truly taking to heart the words of philosophers and spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Joseph Campbell and Osho came to be.

And then more change, more territory to map, more personal challenges to confront: Los Angeles. I left Chicago at the best and worst moments. I felt so in tune in my being as a teacher, I couldn't have felt better about my group of friends and my amazing students, and I felt I navigated the city really well. I felt creatively fulfilled and also settled in my soul, never finished, but I liked where I was. I was excited for the new road ahead but admittedly resistant to leaving the beauty of what was. 

Again, the harsh truth of yogic wisdom rang in my ears. Everything and everyone is transient. Relationships begin and end, as does life, homes and cars come and go, all things large and small flow in and out of our lives, changing like the weather. To keep my sanity and keep drawing positive experiences into my life, I needed to embrace this, yield to the unpredictable flow of life. The answer is not to stay, to remain, to become rigid and avoidant. No. This was exact time to rip off the bandaid of the past and move forward vulnerable, ripe for new experiences to take hold in my being. 

On my journey out to Los Angeles, there was more uncharted territory to confront,  both in the land of this gigantic and glorious country (we drove through eight states, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Arizona, and Utah being new to me), and in the mysterious corners of my psyche. I felt deep, aching loss leaving Chicago. Every street corner, bike path, spectacular piece of architecture triggered memories, happy, loving memories; memories I was afraid I could never recapture or recreate in my new life ahead. Wasted energy those fears are, born only from conjecture. Nonetheless, the first couple hours out of Illinois rang a melancholy tone. 

As the vast expanse of America's heartland opened for me, I felt my heart slowly doing the same. I felt the excitement and the energy of infinite possibility that lay ahead, and without a home to sleep in or a job to support, I had to trust myself to handle the unknown, not run away from it, but see it head on and welcome whatever lessons life wanted to teach me. Like with Italy, I could've imagined for hours what Hollywood might be like, making assumptions about LA and California based on the same bullshit we all think before we truly know, but I'd made that mistake before. All I could do was remember Yoga and stay present, I would be absorbing it in due time. 

Now I sit in my lovely new home in LA, having a few classes and studios under my belt, no real jobs yet, a couple friends, and the looming presence of my 500 hour graduate teacher training just days away. Three week intensive, days beginning at 5 a.m. and ending at 10 p.m. A week in Thailand to celebrate my completion in Bali, the month ahead will be cleansing, awakening and renewing without a doubt. For 30 days, I leave behind sugar, meat, alcohol, marijuana (yes, I smoke and I enjoy the hell out of it, much better than the unfortunate poison that is alcohol) my loved ones, my comforts, and many other vices behind. 

I'm exceedingly fortunate to be traveling to places far from my home, far in distance and in experience. I know I will learn and I will be humbled, as I always am while traveling. I haven't a clue what to expect and while my past led me to feelings of anxiety and discomfort over what I couldn't control or predict; now, I feel so strong in what I can control, my breath, my mood, my smile, my gratitude. 

This week as I prepared to leave, I found myself working intensively on a pose I'd yet to achieve. More uncharted territory. Since day 1 of my practice and teacher training, I am reminded, my mat is a metaphor for my life. How do I handle fear? How do I handle failure (often times not well)? How do I see myself? What expectations am I carrying? Am I comparing myself to others? Does how I look matter more than how I feel (no!)? 

Nearly 11 years into my practice, I've experienced every emotion on and off my mat. As I practiced more consistently, my life outside my mat reflected a happier, calmer experience. Poses I thought I could never do became a reality. I began to feel strength building from the inside out, I knew where my body was in space, and more importantly, how pivotal my mind and heart were in having a successful, blissful experience. 

As I started to embrace what I could control, everything I couldn't worried me less. Yoga was a mirror, showing me that life was a reflection of my inner experience, and I was the captain of those interior waters. The waters outside were unknown, not my business or within my power to affect. I must flow from the inside out. 

Today marks the beginning of another journey into uncharted territory...I hope you'll join me on the ride and find your own inner power to withstand both clear and rough waters. Here we go!

Living with the Poison of Self Doubt

Not sure if it’s the expectations placed on us as children, experiences with failure and embarrassment, an aspect of a guilty conscience or some combination of all three, but I have been plagued by self-doubt my entire life. It is slowly diminishing, coming to crawl, it seeps into my soul slowly now so I can see it no matter what its disguise. Nonetheless, it’s still there. Still gnawing at me like a petulant fly, an annoying little asshole hedging its bets on my disappointment. I sound either schizophrenic or like a sufferer of D.I.D. (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder), but I know I’m not alone in what-ifing so many of my decisions and pursuits. It’s a difficult cycle to break but not impossible, and certainly worth it.

We learn in psychology, and in the game of life, that as children we’re given mental and physical tasks and then our intelligence and skill level is gauged based on that. Loving school and homework and baseball and other sports made it easy for me to slip comfortably to the top of mediocrity. I’m not trying to diminish my small accomplishments as a child, but seriously, I earned straight A’s at a public school in Florida. I recognize now I merely climbed to the top of a hill; I didn’t conquer a damn mountain. What hindsight and years dedicated to false forms of happiness has led to is that it doesn’t matter anyway. The most interesting and genuinely intelligent people I know were smart enough to be bored in traditional schools, not consumed by winning a meaningless game against themselves. I’ve let go of that now. Naturally, when you’re interested in something, when it sparks your passion and drive, you will excel because you want to and because you’re following your intuition, your heart, your bliss, and not the dreams of anyone else.

There’s a reason I went through most of my life with a pervasive, underlying blah in my feelings toward myself and life. I was desperate to showcase greatness, exhibit my mental and physical prowess. My goodness was lost and my heart was muted. I wasn’t equipped then to pull myself out of it, to pursue genuine passions over simply following strengths, or to know why this gnawing in my gut was there in the first place. Something in me must have known that all this contrived happiness and achievement were just that, contrived, phony, bullshit, nothing. That’s not to say I’m not impressed by my friends who’ve shown great perseverance and success in their respective fields, whether it be graduating medical or law school, actually climbing a mountain, playing their sport at an elite level or showcasing their art for the world to see. I am just aware now how little love I put into what I did. I did it because exhibiting excellence gave me bursts of confidence. Bursts being the operative word, soon that good report card passed and it was onto the next.

So, with the exception of boys, close friends, eating, family and an interest in winning (thanks for ruining that word, Charlie Sheen. Or thanks for making it awesome again? who cares.) I had little passion or I suppose I felt a lack of satisfaction in how I spent my days, where I devoted my energy. I would’ve loved to consider myself an artist but again, adults love to label children, and once I put brush to canvas and realized what an appallingly bad drawer and painter I was, I assumed all art was lost on me. I was an athlete, a student-athlete, the greatest oxy-moron there is. Sports taught me how to lose but it didn’t help me conquer my fear of failure. I remember going through slumps, in pitching or hitting or any activity surrounding a ball, and the fear would consume me. I’d want to quit. Luckily my parents taught me to stick things out. Despite continuing, I’d still grapple with the doubt, question everything from my capabilities to my reasons for playing.

This nagging “what are you doing and why” stayed with me until a minute ago when I decided to drop it forever. Up until then, it parlayed from sports into academics and ultimately my career. Since I was a teenager I wanted to host my own show. I feel slightly embarrassed to even admit that, but that’s just my self-criticism getting the best of me. My initial major in college was Radio/Television because that seemed a practical path to my silly dream. I was bored to tears in the short list of classes I took, soon opting to pursue the study of Psychology instead. There’s one for an overly analytical person to dive into: analysis! I know my changing majors was partially due to my lack of interest but also majorly caused by self-doubt. I saw all those hot people ready to throw themselves in front of hurricane and I questioned my commitment, my abilities, my attractiveness. I was still very attached and very consumed by my opinions, my cynicism and the years of descriptors that were placed on me from birth.

I toiled with pursuing grad school, law school, and a number of careers I deemed impressive enough to suit me, but none of them inspired me. Something in me despised mediocrity and traditional measures of success and then something else relegated me to that same normality I rejected. Rock in a hard place. Afraid to move forward, glued by fear and doubt in my place, but yearning desperately to expect more out of myself and life. I needed to let go of all previous expectations I placed on myself and any imagined standards set by others and just listen to my damn heart.

I felt so proud to be logical, pragmatic, fact based, detail oriented, organized and disciplined. I had no clue I was using these tools incorrectly and neglecting a huge fraction of existence by limiting myself to those strengths. Where in there can I find space for creativity? For originality? For wonder? For joy? For Love? For fun? Why couldn’t I just expect to be happy and nothing else? I was in a perpetual state of competition with myself. The experience of loss or failure not only validated the doubtful tapes I’d been playing in my mind but left me with little inspiration to try again or god forbid attempt something new.

Luckily, I’ve always been self-aware, introspective. I’d lie awake with my thoughts, frustrated with myself, asking for guidance, answers. It was Yoga and the pursuit of teaching that not only held up a mirror that made me grasp the damage I was inflicting upon myself, but that also provided insight in how to get over myself and start living a real life. The most fundamental lesson Yoga has taught me is to dis-identify from my thoughts. It’s not only about giving my brain a break from the incessant churning and volume of my inner monologue, but severing the tie between me and my mind. Again, I sound a little nutty, but if you give yourself this gift, you’ll understand. And you'll also realize how unoriginal and entirely plagiarized this idea is. The very idea of yoga, in fact.

We are all able to watch our thoughts and simply bringing awareness to this, turning on that lightbulb that says “hey, dummy. you are not your thoughts. you are the observing presence behind them.” Slowly, I’ve become detached. I laugh at my weird little mind now but I do not take my thoughts seriously. Anything I do well comes from something much smarter than my memories or my conditioned mental patterns. It comes from being fully attuned to this moment, from following my intuition and my heart, and from being open to all that flows my way.

Doubt implies a lack of trust. Doubt tells me I cannot handle the consequences of my actions, in particular if they are not rewarding. Doubt tells me I am undeserving of joy, happiness, love and success. Doubt is healthy when absorbing new information or following a gut instinct, but the doubt that lives and grows inside our psyche serves only one purpose: to keep us from living.

I will never be good at everything. Many will not like or love me. And regardless how I allow that to play into my life, that will always be the case. So what the fuck does it matter? The beauty in life is seizing it, being unafraid to enjoy it, and loving what you do over fixating on results. Paying my bills is not satisfaction enough. I need that fire in my belly and the drum of my heart to keep me on the right path, to keep creating, to stay original, to keep evolving, to be grateful to be alive each day. Letting go of the importance placed on my opinions opened me to new experiences, new people, new career paths, new lessons. I now feel I’m sincerely hosting my own show instead of sitting idly by in the audience, wishing so badly to run on stage. My dream is continuing to progress each day and I feel like a participant in watching it unfold. Each day is new, exciting, fulfilling and wondrous. I no longer doubt my awesomeness, for no other reason than I have a loving heart and an interesting soul.

You can take that same energy you’re giving to misplaced goals, unfair expectations, disappointment, doubt, discontent and any fear based emotion and redirect it toward something positive. What is it you need to ignite your soul? Do it. I’ve made a million excuses and talked myself out of so many things. I’m done. Get fed up with yourself and that is the beginning of the end for your ego. The begending. :) Let your essence and your goodness lead the way, your greatness is sure to follow.

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