Viewing entries tagged
being

Birds Sing & Humans Dream

Birds sing wildly in the trees while we sleep

Animals surrounding our love nest

And only we understand why we weep

Because beings other than humans just know they belong

But how can we somehow sing the same song

Croon the sounds of joy and burst with radiant being

Knowing, believing

I succumb to my nature with my love by my side

His smell, his skin, welcoming me home

I am not alone

With thoughts, with fears, or anything human

In intimacy, all definitions clear

We are but one being sharing breath

Safe to build our tribe and love out loud together

Forever

While sleeping to the soundtrack of a birdsong we belong

So we must never forget

This is always there

No matter where

Or when

It exists within

That harmonious feeling you see Is merely a reflection of you back to me

We shine life into each other's eyes

Reverberate love to the infinite skies

The birds watch from above

The earth encourages from below

Let's go

And keep going

Building

Thriving

Sing, dance, express

Live like we're dying

Worry not, sweet human

This is not a test

It's life

Your life

You are life

So quit the strife

And decide

To be Free

Live and love wildly

Satisfy yourself

And be kind

Keep flowin

There is no rewind

So find

Your meaning

Your purpose to be

You deserve love, and life

No more

No less

Than me

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Just F*cking Be, Idiot.

Screen Shot 2014-03-13 at 3.55.37 PM It's been an interesting few months. I started a new job, one I really like thus far, particularly because of the kind and fun-loving souls I work with, and the company I represent. I'm paid vastly more than anything I was able to earn in the past 5.5 years teaching Yoga. I have health care. I have benefits, people.

Why am I still plagued by incessant doubt? Why does my psyche love dissatisfaction? Why does it constantly crave something else? NO(thing) specific, just something ELSE. Why? It is a fundamental part of my encoding that I must grapple with my decisions, question myself unyieldingly, and never stop feeling like I'm somehow failing myself and others on a regular basis.

I'm still teaching, which was very important to me. So I still get to work out this shit with my students, leveling with them as I attempt to soothe them into stillness. But I'm still grappling with constant contradictions in my mind. I want more quiet. I want more privacy. I want more simplicity. I want more structure. More consistency. More security. And on the other hand I want more friends. More students. More readers. More unique opportunities. More travel. More validation.

Why I can't have both in this new world is beyond me.

But I can't help but feel I'm giving up something and I keep fearing that I'm giving up on myself. But why? A beautiful opportunity knocks on my door, one that hundreds of people have vied for and so many would accept without question, and I'm so excited and grateful in one breath, but unsure on the other. Sure, every decision has an opportunity cost. Basic economics taught us that. What's funny and ironic is I got exactly what I felt I needed and wanted and yet now I'm concerned by exactly that.

As a teenager I wanted to host my own TV show, like Oprah or Rosie or Ellen or some other awesome lesbian we all love. But I entered college and began studying Radio/Television and hated it. I thought, 'I can't possibly waste years, possibly decades of my life to only possibly be the girl standing in the middle of a hurricane, wishing I was spouting nonsense and giving away free shit to an audience full of moms and aunts."

And I still have this strange, gnawing desire. I know my personality is unique and I know my voice is strong. I've grown into a much softer, more self aware, brutally honest albeit somewhat eloquent adult. I want to share what I love with others. Why can't I share my strengths with my community without needing notoriety and attention to follow? Why can't I feel successful in having a great job with a fantastic company while still being a loving and devoted teacher?

Is it LA? Nope, it's me. There are so many aspects of the Yoga "industry" that I do not resonate with, so it doesn't even make sense for me to pursue big mainstream success via that avenue anyway. And Yoga is what grounds me. It should not serve as my "platform" which will only serve my ego. I am so proud of how Yoga has educated me, of the people it's connected me to, and of how my body has transformed because of it. That's all it needs to be. Period.

I'm airing this shit out here because I've had writer's block for months. I want to write but can't. I make excuses because of time. Because of exhaustion. Because of priorities. But truthfully I'm scared to expose my true, honest, raw self, the beautiful and the ugly. This may surprise many given the subject matter of many of my posts, given my hyper self-deprecating nature and my affinity for discontent. But nonetheless I feel compelled to express this because I know releasing it will help diminish its power within me. And it will help restore the power where it belongs, inside my heart.

And I need that genuine power right now. I want to keep kicking ass at my new job and keep caring for my students through Yoga. I still have eons to go, to move, to grow, so much to learn, innumerable ways to expand. And somehow I keep forgetting I'm twenty fucking nine! Not 80. Not dying, thankfully. Not diseased. Not so advanced in age that I should have it ALL figured out. But even since my youth I've placed the unfair expectation on myself that I should. I am beyond fucking blessed, in every way imaginable. Loving and supportive family. Superb friends. Delicious and wise husband. The cutest animals. A warm home. Healthy food. Clean water.

I need to just shut the fuck up. Nut up. Do my best. Be grateful for the insurmountable good I've received and ride the wave of life. It's been a beautifully unpredictable journey so far. Why not see where this new direction takes me? I need to cultivate a deeper inside rather than a more colorful outside. I've experienced so much, achieved a fare amount of good, traveled a ton, been broken hearted, insanely in love, and so much in between.

Santosha is my practice, I Am is my mantra. I shall accept myself fully, remind myself of all I am beyond my descriptions, definitions, accolades and characteristics. I've yet to fully succumb to the lessons bestowed through practice and truly practice what I teach. So my practice moving forward is to do just that. Be. Here. Now. Accept all I am and all I am not. Open to all that is yet to arrive without a need to predict or assume.

Transitions always lead to questions and confusion and uncertainty and worry. And perspective always arrives in unforeseen ways and in unexpected packages. I need to just fucking be. Just fucking be, idiot. Just be.

Where's the Beauty?

Where's the beauty?I feel the cool sting of my dog's nose on my hip My eyes blink open and I take in the day Sauntering out of bed in my PJs No thoughts churn as my mind is so clear Rays of light escape through windows I absorb the pure newness of each moment And I am carried away by morning The stillness inside awakens my senses Envelops me in the wide open space of being The trees whisper in the wind Birds sing in a vivacious clarity And I am at peace No filter for which to speak or think No mask to hide flaws or true feelings Just life being lived Breath being breathed Just me

Where's the beauty?

I Wonder When

I wonder whenI wonder when I might stop and suspend The feeling that I am not whole from within That the more I might balance and bend The closer I'll get to that oh so sweet end But the end has already arrived and informed The sensation that I must each day be reborn To an abyss of love no longer new But old and refurbished, hidden from view I wonder when

20131203-135755.jpg I had a moment of wonder the other day and those few lines spilled from my heart. It's a silly rhyme but it continues to speak to me. And I thought it may speak to you as well.

My aim is to share enthusiasm and wonder with others, to stimulate curiosity and inspire more joy in everyday being. This world can be frustrating, nonsensical, overwhelming, and plain exhausting. But hot damn can it be magnificent too. I hope my words and actions give you a boost on a hard day, or maybe help you see a little light at the end of what might be the darkest tunnel.

http://youtu.be/ZYOfxptabVk

Two Films, One Truth: I AM & Life In A Day

Our bodies and brains do not recognize the emotion or cause for our tears, only the catharsis it brings. I love a good cry. And I especially love when this cleansing process is brought about after some epiphany or moment of clarity. This happens more and more to me due to the truly remarkable people I’m fortunate enough to communicate with on any given day, and because I’ve opened my heart more, I’m more readily in a receptive place to be moved and changed. Since leaving college and the structure of academia, I’ve pursued education on a much purer level, based on my needs and interests, not by some set of standards, requirements or recommendations of others. I suppose I’m a geek for philosophy and the more artful sciences, and therefore I seek out material that may ask more questions than it answers. The wrinkle now permanently residing on my furrowed brow shows my incessant inquisition and what I’ve noticed as I’ve slowly evolved is the quality of the question has changed and my need for a concrete answer has diminished. As a beautiful artist and friend put it “...come enter the world of gray.” I love and often prefer the very personal experience reading a book provides. No one is there formulating their opinions that inevitably make their mark on yours. It’s you. A chair. And a book. Sure you can discuss and analyze the details with others, in a book club or one on one, in two chairs; but I still prefer to read, recommend, and release it. People so often feel the need for their opinions to reflect others, especially those they love or respect, whether they know them well or not, and as I get older, and a tiny bit wiser, I realize more and more how each human being perceives each moment, each comment, each piece of art, is unique and special to them. And each of those opinions, perceptions, ways of processing information, are valid and meaningful whether no one or everyone agrees. In high school and even now I tend toward disliking what everyone likes, probably my ego desiring to be elitist or different, but if I’m being kind, I think it’s because of my very naturally inquisitive nature. And so it is always with care and even a bit of trepidation that I write and recommend passionately. And today I’m filled with such vigor for life, such hope for humanity, and such unadulterated Love that I must encourage you to experience two films; I AM and Life in a Day.

I’ve been seeing movies alone for years. Call it sad, pathetic, weird, cool, whatever you want, I love the experience of absorbing a film alone. It has the same quality of reading a book for me, material that I take in without the influence of others. I make up my own mind and heart. This is not to diminish watching movies or TV with others, as that is what I do most of the time, at home or in the theatre, but when I have the time and I think it’ll be something to benefit from alone, that’s precisely what I do. I highly recommend it.

On a chilly spring morning in Chicago, I went to an 11 am (before noon tickets are $6, I’m a broke broad) showing of the soul-stirring documentary, I AM. I’d read numerous articles on this film leading up to its release, and watched an interesting interview with the filmmaker on Oprah (yep, I used to watch Oprah, judge all you want). I AM is a mantra I sometimes repeat while seated and breathing, the simple act of being and not needing to finish that sentence with a descriptor. I am Danielle. I am a woman. I am Italian. I am blah blah. None of that is important. What Yoga and various introspective teachings have led to is the truth behind Being over doing or thinking. I am. That is all. This film seeks to not only point to this truth but also to put the power in your hands, recognize how you’re contributing to your world and how you can be fundamental in improving it. This movie succeeded in doing what is probably the main objective of any artist, the provocation of thought. What a mind and heart fuck.

I AM is directed and narrated by Tom Shadyac, the successful director of such comedies as Ace Ventura 1 and 2, along with most of Jim Carrey’s best 90‘s flicks, Bruce and Evan Almighty, Patch Adams, and the Nutty Professor. He has given some good to the world; to me, comedy is a gift, artful generosity, and aiding in laughter of the masses is most certainly a positive contribution. During his rise to success, Tom found himself acquiring more, more things, bigger homes, more cars, more materials, until he became slowly defined by style and somehow lost substance. He recognized no matter how much he had, there was still a void, an unanswerable question, an unfixable problem. A near death accident was the pivotal catalyst for his enlightenment, the journey to find his own truth and ultimately the answer to those big questions. The film begins asking what is wrong with the world, the answer easily pointing to “I AM.” We travel with him around the world, speak with experts on human nature and conditioning, see his awakening and others’ happening with our own until ultimately we ask what is right with the world, with the goal answer being “I AM.” See it. Let it open your mind and heart a little wider, and find the simplicity and power of the mantra I AM. What is Love? I AM. What is life? I AM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhKmlIXE2Xs

The other night I had a nearly opposite experience to seeing I AM, but only in superficial detail. Instead of being alone in a theatre, I was at home in front of my television, with the two greatest roommates any person could ever have, my brother and my man love. Three weirdos, one couch. We excitedly added this film to our Netflix instant queue after unsuccessfully seeing it in the theatre last summer. All we knew was Ridley Scott was involved and in order to make the film they solicited people from around the world to submit a video of their lives on July 24th, 2010. Hence the title, Life in a Day.

This movie is so rich, so dense, so full of beauty that I cannot possibly describe it adequately. Words are never enough, and without spoiling the experience by providing a boring synopsis or too much information, I’ll simply describe my perspective and my joy. This film has a pulse. It’s told from the perspective of the human race, from every continent, covering a spectrum of ages, races, jobs, families, lifestyles and points of view through out one day. It showcases in many creative ways the duality in which most of us live, through love and fear. What we love and what we fear ultimately predicate our thought and action/inaction. How we answer these questions affects our programming, our operating system and processor, and witnessing that in ourselves and others delves us deeper into fundamental truths and connection. Answering those questions through our genetic make-up and the circumstances surrounding our environment tells us everything about who and why we are, and if we could just work backward, asking what causes positive and negative outcomes, I’m fairly certain the answer lies in either fear or love, whats wrong or right, I AM. We are. I finished this film and immediately wanted to watch it again. I was spell-bound, inspired, shaken, and energized. It carved out a space for me to see what an incredible species human beings are and how there seems to be more good in the world than bad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT_UmBHMYzg

The world is an endlessly fascinating place. I want to observe and be changed by all of it. I hope to gradually and essentially be what is right with my world, the ripple effect being simple but profound. What is different is beautiful. I am no better than you, and you no better than me. What fires me up is the perpetuation of ignorance, the stubborn and hateful ways some speak of others, the arrogance and condescension inherent in the attitudes and behaviors toward fellow human beings, the cycle of misinformation gathering tremendous steam and clout without any validity or kindness. Questioning, laughing, conversing and eating get me through. These films are food for the mind, heart and soul. See them alone. Watch them with others. Share the experience. I truly hope you benefit in some way, at the very least enjoy what you may already know.

Laugh. Think. Inquire. Live!

11-11-11: The beauty of ONE

I am not one that gives credence to superstition, astrology, or numerology. I’m fairly fact based, über logical, teetering on unromantic. Boy what love will do to drastically morph your perspective. I do believe there is no reality, there is only perception. And how I perceive the world, and days like today, changes depending on my current physical and mental state. I’m drawn to Yoga and the unique manifestations inspired by Love because of how it’s reformed me; a recovering cynic, someone plagued by their own expectations, the worry I’ll never meet them, and the vicious cycle of placing them on myself time and time again. Where will I be by this date? This age? This stage? This page? It doesn’t matter. What matters, of course, is where I am in this moment. And if in this moment, I’m corrupted by the soul squandering thoughts of disappointment and self-doubt, then how am I possibly affecting my world? Not well, or certainly not well enough. So, Yoga allowed me to relax, dip into the ooey gooey, lovey dovey parts of me I was too fearful to extract on my own, so I let people and practice do it for me. Like most of us, I place importance on uplifting my friends, encouraging them in a way I can’t seem to turn on myself. They of course give that right back to me, but why can’t we give it to ourselves first, truly, genuinely live by example, through the love of self? Intellectually I know I’m worthy of love, otherwise it would lead to a lack of standards in my external life, in how I allow others to treat me and treat those I love. And so I’m recognizing how relationships are teachers in the school of treatment. We get what we give and slowly I’m opening to treating myself how I treat others and how they treat me. I hope we all can do the same.

We all have significant numbers in our lives. I’ve mentioned in a previous article that mine is 22; interestingly enough a multiple of 11, a double-digit repeat, and a number more readily seen in the western world of digital clocks and a love of sports. 11 conjures up a mixture of emotions. Coincidence often predicates significance. Instead of placing too much importance on fatalism or these random occurrences, I choose to let them remind me to love and be grateful. Those reminders are never bad, never overlooked.

Perhaps the truth of today is the emphasis on the number 1. All numbers are divisible by one and when multiplied by one the result is itself. Many conscious beings on this planet, regardless of the deity they choose to believe or derive inspiration, adhere and adorn a universal truth: Everything is One, We are all One. It is in this vein, in this truth, that I write today. I feel more deeply connected to humans and other sentient beings today than I have any previous day, this having little to do with 11-11-11, and more to do with the epiphanies and revelations I’ve had on my journey to this point. Like a trek, climbing Mount Everest, I stop at base points to restore and reflect on what I’ve acquired up to now. Today is an opportunity to hold, ponder, breathe deeply while still, listen profoundly while silent, allow the past to sink in and the future to unfold while being one with presence.

I woke up this morning, unable to speak, frustrated for a moment and then empowered by other facets of communication. I will smile as I usually do and connect in the greatest way nature gave me, in a sincere recognition of one’s presence, a notion of gratitude and an inherent knowledge of giving and receiving Love.

I am One. I am All. You are Love. So am I. We are One. Love One. Love All. One Love.

Numbers mean nothing Sentiment is contrived emotion To feel deeply, let go To experience love, give

Where are we going? Where’s the value in doing? Significance is determined by perception Dream the result of conception

We underappreciate being Overappreciate speaking Disrespect stillness Negate realness

What is my real voice? Where do I belong? I am at once all and none You, Me, Him, and She. We’re ONE.