This is already a strange piece. Such an arcane statement. Seems obvious and also leaves some questions to be answered. I have many friends and acquaintances, single or taken, who for whatever reason enjoy uttering the phrase "I hate men." I quickly offer the alternative,"You don't like boys, you totally love men." Deciding the worthiness of an entire gender based upon one or two assholes is akin to enslaving a people because of the color of their skin. It's ridiculous. Here's why men are AWESOME:
-Strength. I'm about to move. You think I want a bunch of 120 pound women helping me move? Not really. I want some brawn. I want to watch sweat drip down broad shoulders as they carefully haul my heavy ass dresser up three flights of stairs while I carry a small box of books behind them. Thanks, men.
-Downloose. That's the opposite of uptight. Women, and I include myself in this, can be uptight pains in the asses. We're such planners, what-iffers, need to knowers. Men are much happier taking things as they come and most that I know trust shit will all be ok. I've had many masculine traits since I was very little, but this little gem trickled into my life as I began to integrate yoga daily. Many men do this innately. Chill out ladies, it's all gravy baby.
-Societal obligations. Men, whether they like it or not, are the designated bug killers and home security systems. You hear a crash, no one's sending a high-pitched screaming lady to go check out the scene. You send your man in his undies with a bat, knife or some makeshift weapon to determine the noise was just the drunks falling down outside (we live in Chicago, near Wrigley Field. This is a common occurrence). I'll kill a spider and other small bugs, but if I see a cockroach, I'm calling my dad, uncle, brother, grandfather, cousin, or husband to kill that shit. No fucking way. And I reserve that right because I get my period and that's no fun. Kill that bug, Y chromosomes.
-Simplicity. This could be misconstrued as an insult. I sincerely mean it to be complimentary. We've heard various experts on Oprah and other daytime talk shows run by women that men are single focused, handling one task at a time, whereas women love to multi-task. Speaking from my experiences and observations, multi-tasking gives me a false sense of importance through making myself busy. Whenever I do this, the quality of the task, as well as the quality of my life diminishes. Men tackle one thing at a time and I think in conjunction with women's strengths, this is a good thing.
-Handsome. Usually only men are handsome, some women are too, awesome for them, but I dig the rugged, dirty, sweaty, hairy, chiseled hotness only a man has.
-Honesty. Now, some men (really the boys) are afraid of the truth and will avoid it at all costs, but I argue that either men are more straight-forward and blunt in words than women are, or their inaction and silence speak more volumes than the crazy, manipulative mind-games women can play.
-Easy to please. This may fit under simplicity too, but nonetheless I'd like to speak to a man's neediness versus a woman's. Men don't need flowers, jewelry, gifts, surprises, poems, or romantic bullshit in general. Call it laziness, I call it duh. Life is not about candy or some external showcase as proof of real love. A good person will treat you well every single day, their eyes will light up when they see you, their touch will soothe you, their voice will uplift you, their bodies will satisfy you and their minds will challenge you. Next time you think your man hasn't given you something in a while, ask yourself what you've done for him lately. I know it sounds anti-feminist, but it is not. I am for equality; true, respectful, loving equality.
There are needy men and easy-going women. Men who are afraid of bugs and women who could beat a man senseless if she needed to. I'd never put an entire gender in a box. We're all uniquely awesome and unusually fucked up in our own special ways. I just wanted to throw my men a bone and say, keep doin what you're doin. I dig it.
Thank you. This has been one of my most unnecessary and meaningless articles. Proud to share. Thanks for reading. If this is all you've ever read from me, I beg you peruse the archives, and check out the more serious pieces I have to offer. And the muck in between.
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