As tears seemingly rush to escape my face I’m struck by the magnitude of the last 36 hours. At no time previously have I felt such a wretched cocktail of emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, hope. The rest of us are in survival mode along with Davis, but just emotionally. I spent many slow minutes yesterday feeling angry. For the life of me I cannot fathom why this would happen to him, to one of the most genuine, kind, loving, present souls I’ve been fortunate enough to meet. Visuals of him dancing and performing are playing on a reel in my mind along with the usually happy and beautiful whysowhite sounds. I cannot remove him. He was already becoming a big part of my life and therefore on my mind and heart, but now, there’s no turning back. I don’t want to think of anything or anyone else. I’m re-living the laughs and the sincere joy in our conversations and hoping like hell that energy channels into his healing.
I have three jobs. I can’t muster up the concentration or the general giving a shit it requires to fulfill any of those duties. I have no physical or mental energy to teach, certainly no patience to serve mothers and children, and no motivation to write except about Davis. Give me a task involving him or his family. I don’t want a way out of this because I’m in it to win it (like Dennis Kucinich) and I may not get one of his amazing hugs for a while, but I will squeeze his hand and look into his eyes very soon.
I’m still searching and grasping for meaning. Time has slowed significantly so although it’s only been 1-2 days, it’s played like weeks and I’ve had nothing but time to ruminate and feel, for better or worse. What has uplifted me is not only the strength and optimism his family carries (not surprising given how wonderful Davis is) and encountering people all around Chicago who have someway been affected by Davis’ presence. The customers at Savor, the employees at establishments he frequents, my friends and family who’ve maybe only met him once, all giving an outpour of concern and love over one human being. That’s the lesson. You want a legacy? You curious who cares about you, who shows up if something tragic happens to you? Well you get what you give and Davis and the Haines family are being inundated with the evidence of his affect on the world and people around him. Davis is all about love, he expresses this all the time, and I hope with every fiber of my being that he feels one tenth of what he’s given us, because we are all trying like hell to get our message across.
Davis has no lessons to learn or perspective to gain. He’s got it. He’s our 1000 year old Buddha in a talented, sweet, adorable package. So the universe is not sending one man a message. The lesson is for the remaining thousands who are sick over the potential of losing him and inspired to not only express that appreciation for him, but for others and perhaps even for ourselves. Yes I’m wearing a helmet, riding cautiously, walking with tremendous gratitude, breathing with humility, but the breakthrough of awareness inside is bringing about a shift in consciousness only Davis could inspire. He once told me I was a beacon of light. As I reflect upon this moment I can’t help but sob. I told him it was merely his light reflecting off of me and we ultimately decided it was a wash. Regardless who actually had the light (my bet is on him) that moment changed me. It motivated me to be that light all the time. Somehow Davis brings out the best in me and in others and I want that version of myself to show %100 of the time, not just with him.
I’ve also learned that wisdom and bliss can be learned and experienced by people of all ages, from anywhere. Learning both Davis and his twin brother Charles were not only from Alabama but also had only 21 years on this planet threw me for many crazy loops. They’re both ageless, genderless, colorless. They impact you in the best way, by walking the walk, being who they inherently are; goodness. Eckhart Tolle has taught me you cannot identify or define yourself with forms and expect to be truly happy or egoless. Somehow Davis and Charles know this, not just understanding it, but living it, from the inside out. Screw under my skin, Davis gets into your heart and stays, and that’s fine because with him there I exude more love and kindness than I thought I could. He’s impacted and changed my life significantly in such a short period of time. I can’t imagine the subsequent changes from now on. I wish I could adopt him. Or that I had a younger sister I could somehow convince him to marry. Our bond feels familial and the instincts and sensations coursing through my veins during this time has only given proof to that connection. Like many others, I will wait as long as it takes to see him again, to laugh with him, to learn from him, and I’ll keep going back, everyday, like my daily vitamins or health regime, I’ll show my love and support, and he will heal my soul.
