Warning! This subject matter in this article surrounds sex. I use the word f*ck without an asterisks. I talk about body parts (mostly non-genital, but still, be forewarned). I describe in detail why James Bond (Daniel Craig, specifically) is so sexy (the answers may or may not surprise you). These are merely the humble observations and musings from a woman who’s had crushes on men since the age of 3. If you don’t have the stomach for the content, no worries or offense intended, simply read one of many I’ve written on less lascivious subjects. I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a separate site/blog/platform to write about sex, what it is to be sexy, who is sexy and why, sexual double standards (my research focus in college), and just flat-out honest truths about sexuality today. I don’t want to be dirty, raunchy or crass just for the hell of it. I want to write from an honest place. I like sex. I enjoy discussing it, watching it, having it and being turned on by others. I think it is the single biggest driver in life, beyond the need to be fed, clothed, sheltered, and quenched. What’s beautiful about sex is it somehow satisfies hunger and thirst while making you feel enveloped by heat, secure by the sheer vulnerability of the body that accompanies you.
Anyway, I digress...
As bizarre as it seems being a nearly three decade old human living in western civilization, I have never seen a Bond film. Correction: I hadn’t until 3 days ago. To be fair, I think I waited for the right time, and the right Bond. Nonetheless something in the allure escaped me until days ago. I’d seen numerous clips growing up. There’s something about iconic films and characters that seep into the fabric of our culture. I still haven’t seen Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi (I’m sure every nerd’s head is exploding) and yet I know, like everyone else knows, that Vader is Luke’s father. Spoiler alert.
So I grew up knowing Bond was charismatic, strong, clever, that he drinks martinis shaken, not stirred, and he can work his way into any woman’s pants. He’s mysterious, calm under pressure, aloof in emotion, and alert in passion. He’s the ultimate get for any villain and yet, given the chances time and time again, he always emerges alive, often unscathed. What I saw growing up seemed cheesy, over the top and nonsensical. Why would the antagonist finally get his hands on Bond only to give some ridiculous speech, a tour of his elaborate facilities, a look at the impossibly powerful weapon he’ll use to kill millions, only to have given 007 enough time to assess the environment and flip the script in his favor? Seemed so silly to me. My education on these films extends to sound bites of Sean Connery saying Pussy Galore in that classic accent of his, and the brilliantly funny Austin Powers films, the first in particular.
Cut to Now. Last year I saw Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it was then I was privy to the raw sexual magnetism and acting talents of Mr. Daniel Craig. His eyes are piercing, seriously, it hurts to look right into them. His body is so, um, hold on I’m sweating, it’s just so, well, fuckable. Yeah, fuckable. There’s hardly a better word to describe it. I see him, the arms, the chest, the ASS; and my mind, body and heart all go to the same place: sex. He could charm the panties off a blind woman. The deep voiced British accent doesn’t hurt either.
Once the previews for Skyfall released, I realized I needed to nip this ‘I’ve yet to see a Bond film’ thing in the bud. So, my very own delicious man and I bought Casino Royale for 10 bucks on BluRay (very worth it!) and had a cozy Saturday night in. Within two minutes, I was regretting watching it with my husband. I mean no disrespect. Something I’ve learned being happily monogamous for over 7 years is the recognition that I am still human. As I mentioned above, I’ve been crushing on men since I was 3, since I can remember. I’ve yet to let go of my childhood crushes (Val Kilmer!), so I’ve accumulated a long, fascinating list of men I put into the spank bank.
Being attracted to another man, or men in my case, does not diminish the hotness my husband has. And he is hot. I’m quite lucky. I fully know and expect for him to feel the same way. He has Scarlet Johansen and other lovely, beautiful, sexy women to drool over. Feeling jealousy or being territorial only pushes people away and reveals ugly insecurities. And those are not sexy. Watching gorgeous people (like James Bond) have sex is titillating. It leads to awesome actual sex after. Try it yourself.
So as a young girl with no internet or tv in my room, I found my stimulation wherever I could. Top Gun (again, Val Kilmer), soap opera sex scenes, TV shows, magazines and album covers with cute guys, and with whatever fuzzy, unclear nudity I could find by surfing channels we didn’t really have access to. I like some erotica, naked people having sex certainly does the trick, but what sends me to withdrawal from the spank bank are films like Casino Royale.
The film begins with this beautiful neo noir style homage, black and white, Bond is waiting in the office of a man who’s wronged him/possesses a threat to MI6 (I will not explain what that is). You know someone’s eyes are incredible when you can see how bright blue they are in black and white! Whoa. Despite the icy color and striking gaze, what gives someone (Mr. Craig specifically) sex appeal is the life behind those sparkling eyes. And many Brits carry my favorite quality in a man: cheekiness. There’s a naughty element there, a mystery. He’s self-assured. He knows he’s sexy and he knows you know he’s sexy. One glance and you’re done. All the sudden you can’t find your skirt and you’re wondering how quickly your principles went out the door.
We follow 007 through nail-biting chase scenes, watching him as he climbs and scales high-rises, rides a stolen motorcycle on top of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul (this is Skyfall), engages in fist-fights above a rapidly moving train, and punch after punch, step after step, Bond never breaks. He’s steely, unfazed , it’s as if he has Iron Man’s heart. He is rough, tough and fucking badass. The man could go for hours. Double entendre intended.
Where many of the previous 20 Bond films are considered silly and lacking in good story, the recent three have critics swooning over this new, bruising, hard-edged, almost angry Bond. Most have touted him as the best Bond ever. I’m biased, nonetheless I agree. Craig busts his balls (Literally! Watch Casino Royale’s infamous torture scene. He’s naked, in a chair. That’s all I will say.) to get the job done and once he’s strangled and beaten another terrorist, he dusts off his three-piece suit (men have lingerie, women have suits) quickly adjusts his cuff-links and moves on.
Whether he’s playing poker, involved in a highly dangerous shoot outs, seducing an exquisitely beautiful woman, or having a combative conversation with his boss M, he does not blink. He gazes deeply, confidently, resolutely, until everyone in his wake turns to mush. And what you can gather from someone’s gaze is their level of focus, their awareness and commitment to the moment. What makes 007 so enigmatic, so successful, so smart, so sexy? PRESENCE.
There’s nothing more attractive than a human being fully engrossed and absorbed in the Now. Bond is fast, strong, agile, nimble, but what gives him an edge is his keen observation of his surroundings, and his second to second responses to whatever the environment and the moment brings. When he’s making love, he’s not worried about work. Whatever rough skirmish exhausted him, leaving him with stab and bullet wounds, he repairs, accepts and moves on.
It should be noted that sex appeal has little to do with physical perfection or the perception of others. It’s certainly in the eye of the beholder. I happen to find Jeff Goldblum and other interesting artists very sexy, more for their minds and their talents than their bodies or faces. Daniel Craig, similar to his British cohort Clive Owen, is (to borrow a phrase from my favorite film critic, Dave White) handsomely battered by life. His face is weathered, like he’s really lived, and despite his body’s near perfection, his sexiness emanates from his being, from his mind, his heart, his loins, his skills, his strength, his intelligence, his sense of humor, and yes, his humility. The 6-pack is a mere bonus. Who he is behind the suit, the muscles, the eyes, the sensual breath, is far more sexy than any image can capture. This video is evidence.
Finding someone so acutely sexually attractive is both exhilarating and terrifying. Who knows what this specimen could do to me? I’d certainly love to find out. In one of my favorite moments from Casino Royale, Bond finds himself in love, a rare and unique experience for him, and while recovering from some fairly severe injuries that occurred in the torture scene I mentioned above, his lady love stares into his baby blues and utters, “If the only thing left of you was your smile and your little finger, you'd still be more of a man than anyone I've ever known.” And Bond replies with that suggestive grin, “That's because you know what I can do with my little finger...”
Gulp. Jesus. I erupted in this burst of nervous, excited laughter. I was moan-breathing the whole time, concerned it was obvious to the man sitting next to me. Something about a man like that makes me satiate. Eyes, mouth, body watering, like I’ve been walking for days in the desert and am desperate to quench an insatiable thirst. It’s all biology, physiology, science. My mind, thoughts, emotions are not involved at all. I’ve been rendered a mute, just a willing female awaiting impregnation.
Sexual repression, guilt, doubt and insecurity is the culprit for much of our society’s unhappiness and overall fucked-up psychosis. I carry no judgment, I simply wish for others to loosen the reigns on their own criticism. Sex is a beautiful gift. It is fun, sweeping, engulfing, with tremendous health benefits to boot. Whether you dress your partner like Bond or another sexual figure, or you’re having a good ole time with yourself, the rush and release of sexual desire is medicine for your mind, body, heart and soul. Don’t doubt it. Go with it. You don’t have to look like Bond to feel like him, or a Bond girl for that matter, you’ve just got to appreciate your life and your loins and be unapologetic in expressing them.
Being prude, self-conscious or uptight is a waste of energy, a waste of time, a waste of life. We are here because of sex. We better damn well give thanks in whatever ways we can. Happy humping!